Sunday, November 6, 2011

Michael's Worst 12 Games List Explained

Uh oh, people want explanations for my Worst Twelve Games list.  Maybe I wasn't clear yesterday.  There was a list of 112 bad games for us to vote on.  It has every bad game, from Where's Waldo? (NES) to Try Not to Fart (Xbox Live).

I have not played all 112 of the bad games. In fact, I have only played 12 of them.  I was asked to rank these 12 games, from bad to worse.  I didn't come up with the games; I was just asked to rank them from bad to worst.

Here are more explanations:

1. Metroid: Other M (Wii) is the best of the bunch, in my opinion.  It has good graphics, and I loved the Nightmare boss battle.  My main problem is with the control scheme, which makes it almost impossible to dodge enemy attacks.  I couldn't complete the final boss battle, because of that control scheme mishap.

It's on the list of bad games, because fans of the series really, really hate it.  It doesn't fit in well with the rest of the series.  The main character, Samus, is completely out of character in this game.  In all the other games, she's a confident, kick-butt bounty hunter.  In this game, she's an insecure whiner who needs a man to tell her what to do all the time.  It's sexist, and the Samus from the other games in the series would never act like that.

2. Super Mario Sunshine (GCN) is another good-ish game, which is why it's on the better end of the spectrum.  The problem with Super Mario Sunshine is that it gets boring, really quickly.  There is no variety in the gameplay.  It's basically just twenty hours of doing the same thing over and over: using the FLUDD to clean up dirt.

Sure, they try to switch things up with different FLUDD nozzles and Yoshi.  But in the end, they all do the same thing: clean up dirt.  It's boring.

3. Apollo Justice: Ace Attorney (DS).  If Metroid: Other M is bad because Samus acts differently than she does in the rest of the series, Apollo Justice is bad because Phoenix Wright acts differently than he does in the rest of the series.  Phoenix gets demoted from "hero" to "drunken hobo who abandons all his friends".  Pretty much every time Drunken Hobo Phoenix appeared onscreen, he said or did something that made me want to pull out my hair in frustration.

Other than's a well-written game, and they make good use of the DS features.  I have other minor issues with the game--such as the fact that Case #3 makes you watch the same movie about ten times, or the fact that the time-travelling adventures in Case #4 make no sense from a time-travelling perspective--but overall, it's good enough to be one of the top three best games on the list.

4. Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker (GCN).  Wind Waker is bad for two main reasons.  First, the game is incomplete, and you can tell.  Following the in-game logic, there were two more dungeons that Link should have gone to.  Heck, if you followed the in-game logic closely enough, Link should have visited five more dungeons: seven dungeons for the seven sages of Ocarina of Time.  But the game was already running behind schedule, so they left the planned dungeons half-finished.  What did they put in their place?  Probably the worst collection quest of all time.

You have to go all around the game, finding the seven treasure maps.  Then you pay Tingle a ton of money to decipher the maps.  Then, you go all around the game again, to find the treasure.  It's a 3-4 hour sidequest that kills every attempt to speedrun the game.  What a rip-off.

The second main reason people dislike this game is because most of it involves sailing, and sailing is not fun.  Even when you learn a warp song, you still have to sail an awful lot.

Oh, and people dislike the game because it introduced the character Toon Link, who has since dominated the entire series with his cartoony, more G-rated adventures.  Zelda used to be the dark Nintendo series, compared to Mario.

5. Harvest Moon: Friends of Mineral Town for Girls (GBA) is the exact same thing as Harvest Moon: Friends of Mineral Town, with a few minor changes.  Mainly, the main character is a girl now.  Other games in the series let you pick whether you want to play as a girl or boy; they don't make you buy a separate game, just so you can play as a different gender.  Harrumph.

6. Nancy Drew: Message in a Haunted Mansion (GBA).  This was a bad port of the original PC game.  They cut out pretty much all the animation, voice acting and sound effects.  If you haven't played the original game, you probably won't be able to beat this one, because you won't know what's going on.

7. Santa Claus Saves the World (GBA) has bad graphics and bad gameplay.

8. Ace Attorney Investigations: Miles Edgeworth (DS) is another game in a series, where the characters start acting out-of-character.  There's no problem with character development and having characters change a bit, throughout a series.  But there's a problem when the characters act completely different from their usual selves, for no reason whatsoever.

The pacing to this game is absolutely atrocious, and it ruins everything.  The translation is, by and large, completely horrible.  I feel bad for this game, really.  With minor changes to the pacing and the translation, it would be twice as good.

Also, one of the main characters they made up for this game, Kay Faraday, is kind of annoying and overly perfect.  The Edgeworth from the other games would never tolerate her, but in this game, he willingly puts up with her.

9. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (NES).  Hey, I like this game!  Who put it on the list?

Okay, fine, the other games in the TMNT series are so good that everyone pretends this first game doesn't exist.  And nobody ever beat the game, because it was a mixture of too hard and not well organized.  And the second level, the underwater one with electrical seaweed, did not fit in at all.  Since when do the turtles spend their time swimming?  I know they're turtles, but they spend their time fighting bad guys, not swimming around and trying not to be killed by plants!

10. Athena (NES) is too hard.  The enemy set-up is particularly bad.  Most games will only have one or two enemies attack at once, but in this game, enemies just flood the screen constantly.  You can't really stand still; you have to be constantly moving to get through.  This doesn't work so well, because some levels are mazes, and you need time to figure out how to navigate through them.

Also, the weapons and armor system doesn't work.  You're best off if you find one weapon, the ball and chain, and you never ever ever switch to a different weapon.  You hear me?  Actively avoid picking up the weapons that enemies automatically drop.  Oh, and feel free to cry during the levels where the game forces you to pick up a horrible weapon that doesn't do any damage at all, just so you can get through a specific area.

11. Bart Versus the Space Mutants (NES).  No one got past the first level, where Bart needs to spray paint 40 purple things.  The controls don't work well enough for this to be a feasible task, and Bart dies really easily.  You probably won't get past five things before reaching the game over sequence.

12. Mega Man Xtreme 2 (GBC) is another game that's just a bad port of the original.  The graphics, music and controls don't work, even though they cut those things down as much as possible.  Just play Mega Man X2 instead.  It's actually enjoyable.  Plus, there are no translation errors in that game, as far as I know!


JohnL said...

What did you think of Twilight Princess? Did it address the complaints you had about Wind Waker?

Also: Do you have any opinions on the Skyward Sword pre-release media?

Diana said...

Makes more sense now. I can see why AJ ranked higher...
Agree with JohnL, what do you think of Twilight Princess? I enjoyed it a lot.

Tracy said...

I agree with the GBA Nancy Drew game. I started watching it then I was like
I just stopped watching! xD

Christi said...

I kind of liked Apollo Justice. It made me sad that Phoenix went from bluffing attorney to all-knowing guide. Then it made me sad that people like Maya, Edgeworth, Pearl, etc. weren't in the game. At all. But other than that, I enjoyed it. And the ending was satisfying (to me, at least). That's why I wouldn't want another Apollo Justice game - it would just ruin it.

Cai said...

Are you doing a best games list? Also superb job with your newest Nancy Drew walkthroughs.

Anonymous said...

Dear Micheal Grey,
I believe you are the most beatutiful and attractive being on this planet! <3 We will get married! And have a child named Nancy Drew Grey. Delicous!

Anonymous said...

wind Waker was OK. Link's huge anime eyes were freaking adorable but the sail in and all those stupid things that tryed to kill you in the water...... Those things made me want to throw the controller out the window.

Anonymous said...

I always loved super Mario sunshine, but now that I think about it, it WAS damn repetitive.

Hadley said...

@anoymous at 6:57 uhm,excuse me? that's rather strange.