Wednesday, March 25, 2009

The New Student

One day, Professor Snaglefoompus’s assistant Rob gave one of Professor Snaglefoompus's classes a test. "Before we start class, everyone needs to finish one of these," Rob said, passing out exams to everyone.

The students groaned. "Are you giving us a quiz?" one of them asked.

"Nope," Rob said.

"Is it a test, then?"

"Nope, it's not a quiz or a test," Rob joked. "It's a mixture of the two! I call it…a quest."

Professor Snaglefoompus jumped out from the corner where he had been sleeping. "A quest!" he shouted. "We're going on a quest?!"

"No, Professor Snaglefoompus," Rob sighed. "I was just making a joke. See, when you put the words 'quiz' and 'test' together, they make 'quest'."

"I love quests!" Professor Snaglefoompus said with glee. "Do we have to slay a monster? Find a hidden treasure?"

"It's just a geography quiz, see?" Rob said, handing Professor Snaglefoompus a copy of the test. Professor Snaglefoompus read the first question, which was "Where is Cincinnati located?"

"AHA!" Professor Snaglefoompus shouted. "So it's a quest to find Cincinnati! Let me get my quest helmet on!"

Professor Snaglefoompus ran to his desk, pulled out a banana-shaped helmet, and put it on. "Okay, class," he said. "Does anyone know where we can find Cincinnati?"

"In Ohio?" asked one of the students.

"No," Professor Snaglefoompus said. "That's just silly. If we're looking for Cincinnati, we need to search for it in the phone book! Does anyone have a phone book?"

No one did.

"Egad!" Professor Snaglefoompus said. "No one has a phone book?! That means now we're have to find Cincinnati and a phone book! We're on a double quest! Follow me outside, everyone!"

The class followed Professor Snaglefoompus outside, because they didn't want to take the test. They all walked along until they met a mailman.

"Good day, sir!" Professor Snaglefoompus said.

"Why are you wearing a banana on your head?" The mailman asked.

"That's not a banana! It's my quest helmet!" Professor Snaglefoompus said.

"It looks like a banana to me," the mailman said.

"An insult!" Professor Snaglefoompus exclaimed. "You must be the evil knave who has stolen Cincinnati! Return it, now!"

"I have no idea what you're talking about," the mailman said.

"Very well," Professor Snaglefoompus said. "Then you force me to use the age-old secret weapon of professors: lectures." Professor Snaglefoompus reached into his pocket and pulled out a copy of Moby Dick. "Let's discuss Melville's use of symbolism," he said.

"NOOOOOOO!!!" screamed the mailman. "DON'T GIVE ME A LECTURE! ANYTHING BUT THAT!!!"

"Melville begins his book with an anecdote about the power of nature wherein—"

"PLEASE STOP!" the mailman begged. "PLEASE! I'LL DO ANYTHING!"

"Yes, please stop!" Professor Snaglefoompus' class said. They all had their hands over their ears, but they still didn't want to be anywhere near a lecturing professor.

"Okay," Professor Snaglefoompus said. "I'll stop if you tell me where Cincinnati and the phone book are."

"I don't know anything about a phone book," the mailman said, "But I know that there's a family called the Cincinnatis at 1274 East Ridge Avenue. Maybe you could go there."

"I will!" Professor Snaglefoompus said. "Thank you for your help, Mr. Mailman. Come on class, we're going to 1274 East Ridge Avenue!"

"What?" the class asked, because they still had their hands over their ears.

"I said we're going to 1274 East Ridge Avenue!" Professor Snaglefoompus said.

"What?" the class asked again, because they still had their hands over their ears.

"I said we're going to 1274 East Ridge Avenue!" Professor Snaglefoompus repeated.

"What?" the class asked again, because they still had their hands over their ears.

"Oh, just follow me!" Professor Snaglefoompus said. He started walking to 1274 East Ridge Avenue, and the class followed. When he got there, he knocked on the door.
A woman answered the door. "Hello," she said.

"Is this the Cincinnati home?" Professor Snaglefoompus asked.

"Yes," the woman said. "Who are you?"

"I'm Professor Snaglefoompus," Professor Snaglefoompus said.

"That name sounds familiar," the woman said. "I think I've heard of you somewhere before..."

"I'm very famous," Professor Snaglefoompus said. "Now, do you have a phone book?"

"Yes, I have a phone book," the woman said, confused. "Why do you want to know?"

"We've finished the quest!" Professor Snaglefoompus said.

"Quest? What quest?" the woman asked. "And why do you have a banana on your head?"

Professor Snaglefoompus smiled. "It's my quest helmet, and...wait, aren't you Maria Cincinnati?"

"Yes, that's my name," the girl said, still confused.

"Weren't you in my class twenty years ago?" Professor Snaglefompus said.

"Hey, you're right!" Maria Cincinnati said. "That's why your name sounded familiar! I just didn't remember that you were my teacher when I was a girl!"

"Well, I did," Professor Snaglefoompus said sternly. "I also remember that you didn't turn in your spelling homework for a week."

"I had the chicken pox!" Maria exclaimed.

"That's no excuse," Professor Snaglefoompus said. "You're going to have to repeat class with me this year, young lady."

"But I graduated years ago!" Maria cried.

"No buts, Maria," Professor Snaglefoompus said, waving a finger at her. "I'm going to have you re-enrolled in my class this instant."

Professor Snaglefoompus turned to his class. "Guess what, class? We have a new student!"

Everyone cheered.

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